Hello. This might as well be my last post for... maybe till October? *which I doubt, cos I have my own ways sneaking to the net.* Hmm. Just trying to summarize on what's been happening. Although it hasn't been much, but it's been awhile since I've emo-nized my blog. Not gonna post this to the whole world, no worries. Only to those who are lucky enough to drop by my blog will be able to read, heee. =)
So, today's the last day of our mid year holiday. Usually holidays are nothing for me, and this one, there's no difference to it. The only thing was I didn't have to wake up as early as 4.30am or 5am. It was a gooooood feeling. Starting from tomorrow morning onwards, I'll start counting the days till Saturdays and Sundays. *sigh* It's a dreadful feeling actually. During the holidays, I haven't done much. Besides procrastinating and training, all I did was let my mind wander around things that I should and should not think of. Such as...
a) Studies.
b) Girls?
Yeah, you're right. I shouldn't be thinking of girls. No, don't put it the wrong way, I'm straight and I have no plans trying to turn my life around. As for my studies, haha, I always feel frightened of the thought of not being able to become a somebody, someday. Of course, I'm not gonna let that affect what I have in mind, fright is just a feeling right? There's more to that. There's competition, people, words, more people, and just.. people. Argh! To me the, world will never become a better place. No matter how many times, or how many people try to say "Make Our World a Better Place", it's still not gonna happen. Sorry to let your hopes down, but I admit I'm a pessimist. With all these kinds of people, including me, we're heading to the end people. Trust me. There're no better words to put it. And yes, you, I know you're saying that "it's not wrong to have high hopes or dreams" right? So, okay, that's you. This is me. I have no idea why I'm talking about the world is about to come to an end, but just bear with me. Or maybe, MY world is coming to an end? Haha. Riiiiight.
Can't believe I'm turning 16 next year. Haha.
After 16.. then 17.. then 18.. then you get older, then you get what you want in life, then the circle goes back around, then WHAT? Have you ever thought about that? You want all the things that you could possibly have in this world, and when you have it, let's say at the age of 46, then by the age of 50 you're on your way to the ground, then what? It's true actually, you only live 1/10 of your life in this materialistic world and the rest of it goes to... eternity. The other side. The other world, you may call it. I feel bad, not doing things that I'm supposed to. That I HAVE TO do. I feel bad talking about people who don't do what they're supposed to, I feel bad to even have the THOUGHT of talking bad behind their backs, because in the end, it all goes back to me. Me, me and me. It really sucks.
I cannot stand rude people.
I really can't! I don't care who the hell you are *yes saying hell in your blog post is considered rude, but I'm pissed, so bear with me, AGAIN..* whether you're my grandma, my sister, my best friend, my brother, my uncle's grandfather or whoever you are, have a slight respect for who raised you. It's okay to have little fights but it's NOT okay when it starts to irritate everyone around you. It's really not. And yes, I know you're reading this because everyone reads my blog. I know I show some disrespect for people sometimes, but I WILL turn around, look back at what I did, and try not to repeat my mistakes again. It's OKAY if you don't want to say sorry, maybe you don't know HOW or maybe you just have NO IDEA what sorry is, but at least, please, stop and look back, compare yourself to them, where you came from, who would you be without them. They won't be around for long, and so will you, will you have the time to.. make them happy, for ONCE? Rude. Is the right word.
What I do when people around me piss me off to the end of my wits?
Close my eyes. Grunt a little bit, shed a tear, stand up, and say, "it's okay." I've learnt to let things go. People around me tend to piss me off a lot, and I've stopped that thing where you punch the wall, bleed yourself *cos you're not gonna die anyways..* because it doesn't bring you anywhere! Cry. Cry IS the best thing to do. You cry, you fall asleep. You fall asleep, you wake up, you forget. Hmmm. Mom piss me off sometimes, but when I look back, actually I was the one who pissed her off at the first place, so it's a full circle. :)
Isn't it nice when you can have feelings for that just one person? No matter how many people you meet for the following days, months or years, he or she will still be the one who puts those crazy butterflies to flutter around in your stomach? For the first year, the bliss, aaah the bliss of having someone special. Then the years after that, I'm not saying they're hell, but there's a lot of things to go through. Being me, I often look at those years placed in front of me. Will there be someone else? Will this end? How? Haha. The adrenaline rush, the 'long-term' adrenaline rush I mean, is just so.. I can't put it into words. I still remember telling him, " I will not have a boyfriend till I'm 18 years old." Then few months after that, I have a boyfriend. Haha. Don't get me wrong, I've only had one, one REAL one and I haven't been into more than two relationships. And I haven't change to anyone else since my very first. It's been almost 4 years. And I'm not planning to let go, even if there's any chance in front of me, I won't. I must say, in this boyfriend/girlfriend thing, I really DON'T have the time to meet anyone new, to learn to love them, or to try to understand them. I really don't have those times anymore. It takes a god damn long time. I might as well ask my parents to pair me up with someone in the future because I'm too lazy to meet with someone new. =P
Its true when people say, "It's easier for he or she to be taken away by someone else than trying to have he or she to yourself." Once you have that someone, it's not always bliss. There's pressure of him to be taken away by.. other girls. Okay, I admit, I'm filled with jealousy. That filthy filthy thing I tell you. I do want to be in his life as much as I can, I do, but then who am I to really tell him what to do? You tell the one you love that you belong to them forever and they say the same thing as well, in the end, it goes back to the individual itself, how MUCH they want to commit to the one they love. It's not always, once you say it, that's what you gonna do. It's gonna slip somewhere at the edge and either one or even both sides will get deeply hurt. As for me, learnt another thing which is... not to hope. Baaaaaaaaaaack again to the hopes and stuff. Actually larr, I think I'm running out of postive stuffs within me. I'm all about the negatives. I have no idea what's with it actually. Am I giving up? If I am, what am I giving up on? HAHA. This is LIFE. You CAN'T give up on life even if you want to. Because you give up on something, then you'll get to another thing right? Means you haven't yet. And it goes on and on and on... All right. back to the hopey-dopey stuff. Don't place too much hope. I guess that's the main reason for someone to go on with "oh my god I want to die." You DON'T want to die when you get hurt. Believe me. What's kept me going on and not letting go is actually, having the thought of the person that I love with someone else. Totally selfish, YES I KNOW. Don't tell me you have never thought of that before, huh? Sometimes, it does over shadow the main reason why you're with that one person, it's because of love. You tend to FORGET you love that someone so much because you try so hard to not let him or her stray.
And in the end, you end up like me, hating soo soo many girls. To my readers, I may have hated some of you and yes I do hate someone right now. I'm still friends with her just that there's that feeling of 'hate'. Just a feeling. Thinking once again to myself, "Who am I to stop someone to have friends?" and also I must learn to trust. Trust~~~
What's with me lately? It's the middle of 2009 and I've realized soo many things. Like, I'm a whole different person in cyber space and in real life. I'm more comfortable speaking my mind by writing *or more likely by blogging* rather than to talk. I'm a girl who has a million things running through my mind, some needs to be said, while some don't. I know a lot of people read my blog and I do feel bad at times, but I don't care. What needs to be said will be said. Through blog. Cos I'm not that girl rich in self-confidence. I may be the girl who walks straight up and goes pass by you and have that confidence-look but I'm really not like that.
I feel small. I feel so small. In this house, I have, I admit to it, I have hurt my family members through blogging, I do feel bad but what needs to be said has to go through here. Why? Because I feel so small, I'm a nobody. I like making people laugh, I like to make her, him and them laugh. So that I can blend in. I'm that little annoying girl that no one wants to be with, but I need to be with somebody. And for that, I'd rather not be myself. If I were able to be my ownself, I'd keep quiet the whole day. I won't talk, I would just talk with my own thoughts. Like I'm doing right now. These are my thoughts. If I were able to be my ownself, I'd tell them what I want. I'd tell them I want my own space, my own room, my own place to cry, my own place to be alone, I'd tell them not to bother talking to me because I just don't want to talk. But, I can't be that kind of "me" because then, I won't be able to blend in. You have no idea how hard it is to blend in with the people around me. They are nice to be with but I'm not. If I were able to be my ownself, I'd tell him to not go out, not meet girls, not have girls touch him or not to talk to girls even, then I realize yet again, "Who the hell am I to do that?". Not his mom, not his wife, not his sister, just... a girl that happens to be.. someone he's in love with. Yet, no total control of his life. And I won't be that girl because I'd do anything to not make the person I love angry or hurt or sad.
Am I really nice to be with?
This post has just given people a million reasons why not to be friends with me.
And. No, I am not emo or emotional. =)
Vachel, I love you. =)
